In The Depths Of Depression - A True Bipolar Disorder Incident

This article is an interview with a woman who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She agreed to share her experiences with the depressive episodes that she has dealt with throughout the course of her illness.

Thank you for taking the time to share your personal experiences with the depressive episodes that can accompany bipolar disorder. How were you first diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

I had experienced several severe episodes of depression throughout my late teens and early twenties. I was diagnosed with Major Depression. Then, I had a manic episode, which I had to be hospitalized for. That’s when my diagnosis was changed to bipolar disorder. After my manic episode, I could remember times in my life that I had hypomania, but it had not been recognized or treated. I had only ever sought treatment when I was depressed.

You mentioned that you were hospitalized for a manic episode, have you ever been hospitalized for depressive episodes?

Yes. I was hospitalized three times for depressive episodes. I think that my second hospitalization is due in part to not being stabilized on the medication before being released the first time. The insurance companies and private hospitals tend to put you on medications, monitor you for a week or two, and then push you out the door.

What are the worst symptoms of depression that you experienced?

I had psychotic episodes. On one occasion, I heard voices tell me that I was going to commit suicide whether I wanted to or not. Years later, I had another psychotic episode during which I heard my grandmother’s voice telling me that it is okay if I killed myself, that I had suffered long enough.

Have you ever attempted suicide?

Yes, once I cut my arms and took an overdose of my medications. I was hospitalized after the attempt. I spent about a month in the hospital and attended the hospital’s outpatient treatment for another month. While I was in the hospital, the psychiatrist was considering putting me in a state hospital, which would have meant being hospitalized for at least a year. People sometimes forget about how families of those with bipolar disorder suffer. I hate to think about my kids growing up without me, either due to suicide or hospitalization.

What does it feel like when you are in a depressive episode?

It is exhausting. After years of dealing with depression, I have learned that the suicidal thoughts will pass, but that doesn’t mean that the thoughts are easy to fight. The suicidal thoughts come so quickly. I might be washing my hair and see my razor and that quickly think about cutting myself. It is literally exhausting to constantly fight these suicidal urges. But, I think about my kids and know that I have to keep fighting.

In addition to the suicidal thoughts, I also feel consumed by feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. During a depression, I will forget to eat. It’s like eating is no longer relevant. All I want to do is sleep during a depression. I isolate myself from friends and family. When I am between episodes, I do a lot of writing and art, but in a depression, I don’t feel motivated to do anything but sleep. Sometimes, I will experience physical pain, similar to the achiness that you might feel when you have the flu. Sometimes, it feels like my arms and shoulders are sore, like they might get after a day of heavy lifting.

What treatment do you receive now for bipolar disorder?

I had gone a few years without any treatment or problems with bipolar disorder, but this year has been difficult. I am back on medication and will be starting therapy again soon. Just like many people with bipolar disorder, I tend to stop taking my medication once I feel better. Now, I’ve accepted that the medication is just going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

Next article: Manic Depressive Disorder And Suicide